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So I seriously end up in some of the most awkward situations and my life is pretty much like a Chevy Chase movie.  I am such a huge fan of the National Lampoons original movies from the 80's as well.  Anyways, along those lines, our family's nickname from everyone that knows us, is the Griswalds,,,this rant is pretty much why we are the Griswalds. 

After I get done with a couple of funny and very recent stories, I also want to share a funny thought I had lastnight in a cab on the way to meet up with some friends.  It is about a subject I hold near and dear to my heart.  Senator Larry Craig and stall jobs (or at least that is what I am nicknaming them.)  Does anyone actually know if there is a term or slang term for bathroom hookups?  Anyways, onto my adventures in socially awkward situations.

I'm seriously not a racist

One of these moments which I had posted in my blog a short while back is called "I am seriously not a racist."

I was driving to work and it was an extremely nice day.  The sun was shinning, it was around 75 degrees and I also have a convertible so I decided to make the most of my drive. 

I put down the top of my car and I was listening to the soundtrack to Wicked and a song that matched the gorgeous day perfectly came on.  I think it is called wonderful and it is sung by Joel Grey who is famous for his performances with Liza Minelli in Cabaret amongst other amazing shows. 

Anyways, not to get too off topic, I'm driving down 395 south and playing my music, singing the song out loud in an absolutely great mood when I notice these jerks giving me horrible looks.

If you're from the DC area, you know that there is a ton of reverse racism all over the city, especially from Black people to white and latino people.  It is a major issue the city has faced and so when I looked over to see an suv with four very nicely dressed black people glaring at me and a black panther and black power bumper sticker on their vehicle, so I decided not to let them get to me; as well as share my good mood with them so I smiled and sang the song lyrics as the played "wonderful, they call me wonderful, so I said wonderful if you insist".  I mean hey, it is a gorgeous day, I was in a great mood and I was not going to let anyone get to me, and if I can make someone else smile, then even better.  Anyways, their looks went from mean to hostile so I decided to say peace out and speed up.  

 I'm driving past them, singing my happy song and making the fun arm movements from the show when I notice the next car ahead is giving me the same horrible looks, so I pass them and get the same from the car ahead of them.  As I was passing them I also noticed that only one of the vehicles was from the DC area and the others were from out of town.  I didn't think anything of it and at the same time I didn't understand why so many people were being rude so I decided to floor it, get away from the group and enjoy my music.  So as I am driving up a few cars more singing and enjoying the wonderful song, I looked to my right again and saw a hearse.  Yes, I just sang a song called wonderful to a funeral line of angry, black panthers who were mourning a loss.   Anyways, I got the hell out of there and as I drove past the driver I mouthed the words I'm sorry.  It was definitely a socially awkward situation, but hey we all make mistakes, I was trying to cheer someone up, and instead ended up as red in the face as I have ever been.

If for some reason anyone from that funeral ever finds this story, I am very sorry for your loss and I was not trying to to be rude.  I would never intentionally try to offend anyone, especially on someone's race.   

Hotel rooms with a view 

This next story happened this week.

I was staying at a hotel in the Philadelphia area and after a very long day of meeting with about a million people, I just wanted to relax.

I found a great italian place to deliver me a large buffalo chicken pizza, I found a local winery and picked up a great bottle of Chardonnay which was already chilled.  I went up to my room to wait for the food to be delivered and while I was waiting, I took out my laptop and connected to the internet.  While my computer was connecting I put out my toiletries along the counter in the bathroom and turned on CNN to see who was going to win Texas and Ohio in the democratic debate, as well as if Huckabee was going to drop out from the Republican race. About 5 minutes later the food got to me, so I let the guy in, paid for the pizza and had a slice.  

It had been a very long day and I was very sore from a ton of walking so before I finished eating, I decided I would take a quick bath.  I walked into the bathroom and took off my clothes and then I saw the tub.  It was abolutely nasty.  It was dirty and grimey and there was no way I was going to lay down in it.  So I said screw it and went back to the main room, picked up a slice of pizza, grabbed another glass of chardonnay and walked over to go chat online for a while.

As I was chatting, I noticed the rain had stopped and the night turned out to be gorgeous.  Hey the view was even nice from the window of what I was calling the Bates motel.  Ohh wait, the view was nice from the second floor which also overlooked the front of the building and the parking lot.  

Still don't get it, I was standing in the nude flashing about twenty people in the parking lot while eating pizza, drinking wine and chatting online for a good twenty minutes LOL.  So then I did the only thing I could think of, I looked out took a bow and shut the curtains as fast as I could.  It's was one of those times you are just soo worn out you forget things like your naked and the window blinds are opened.  

Again, I am sorry to anyone who may have been in the lot.  Then again, if I turn up on youtube or one of the other tubes, it is me who will be sorry.  I think I will always remember to shut the blinds to my hotel room from now on.

Swimming with dolphins 

This next story is one from my mom.  She loves animals and was visiting Singer Island in Florida with her best friend. 

So my mom and her friend are like the odd couple.  Her friend chain smokes, binge drinks and god knows what else, while my mom hates smoke, doesn't like the taste or feeling of alcohol, and is a morning person.  

As you can imagine, her best friend is more of the night time type of person.  So it was probably around 5 or 6 in the morning when my mom was up and decided to go for a walk.  She wouldn't dare wake her friend out of what I would guess to be a drunken and toxin induced coma (what she calls sleeping), so she slipped past her and went out to the beach.

She walked out onto the shore and had the entire beach to herself.  The sun was coming up, the water was beautiful and the sea air and breeze were blowing.  

One of my mom's favorite things to do is to wade her feet in the water.  As she was soaking her feet, she noticed dolphins swimming in very close to the shore and as a nature lover, she was delighted to see them.  She also is a huge fan of the TV show flipper and seeing as dolphins are some of the most friendly animals on earth, she found her one and only chance to have a private beach and get to swim with wild dolphins.  

So my mom swims out so she is a bit above waist deep staring at these beautiful creatures and enjoying every breathtaking moment when all of the sudden, she really did get her breath taken away.

When I was a lot younger, we took a family trip and went shark fishing.  Well as my mom looked down and around, she suddenly recognized our good friends from that trip.

Yup, my mom swam out into shark infested waters with noone around to see her or hear her if she screamed.  As soon as she realized what she had done, she swam for the shore as fast as possible and saw the Coast Guard or Police or whatever they were running for her.  

Apparently signs that say no swimming and beware of sharks loose their meaning when you see dorsal fins and enjoy the show flipper lol.  But don't worry, my mom is fine.

Larry Craig, The Perfect Spokesmodel

This is all stemming from a joke I made about Senator Craig and someone asking what he is doing now. 

So last night on my way to meet with my friends for a couple of drinks and dinner, I got into a goofy mood and thought, "How funny would it be if he landed a sponsorship gig for a company?". 

What company could benefit from him, American Standard for example.  Think about the commercial and endorsement opportunity.  Picture a row of stalls and the camera focusing in on one of them with the door shut.

The door opens and there's Senator Craig.  He starts off by saying in a friendly politician way, "Hi, I'm Senator Larry Craig and when I'm giving a stall job my toilet of choice is American Standard.  When your busy with an under the wall reach around and you hear the door open, nothing supports the sudden jumping and movements quite as well as a trusty toilet.  Now only are the seats comfortable enough to lay back and let a load off, but they are also perfectly positioned for a foot tapping melody while you wait for your next guest."

Think about it, he could do urinal cakes, toilet seats, janitorial supplies and hell, he could even be a spokesperson for how to make the most of your cross country trips on this great nations roadways.  I bet he could even recommend a few choice rest stops for those men who needs to check and make sure their outfits match as they may have had the lights off reaching into that dark scary closet in the morning when they could barely get out.

Ok enough of the Craig Cracks hehehe pun intended, but I need to go be productive.  Until next time! 

Have a good one!